Deep inside the forest

"Dayapp" in the morning sun

2011-10-12T20:37:00.001+02:00

We opened the door to the veranda. Bright morning air and birdsong streamed into the living room. With new life and green colours. Blue summer sky. The bread was fresh baked. The coffee just cooked and ready. Even some new cooked eggs.
-Dayapp!, the boss said.It meant that he wanted some of the food. My wife had warmed a bottle of milk to him. He was drinking eagerly. I sliced small pieces of bread with some live patè. He whacked the hand down in the patè and smeared the bread around his face, until it found its way into his mouth. He was chatting away in his own language.
-Oh, really I said. -Well, that might be so.
-Yes, he said. Then he continued his small talk inbetween the bottle of milk and the bread.
We smiled to each other. My wife and I. I felt the pleasant summer air playing around me. The coffee created calm and harmony in my body. The boss started to smear the bread around his small table. Other pieces was thrown down to the floor. I watched under his chair. It was full of small pieces of bread beneath him.
-Dayapp!, he said.
It meant that he had finished eating and wanted to get down from the baby chair.

The dream country

2011-10-02T11:54:00.000+02:00

-Jeez! Are you sleeping?
I quickly raised from the sofa. Watched around me. The boss was sitting on the floor, playing with something. On the telly, the Nightgarden was finished, long time ago. It felt like it was just a moment ago when I was dancing around with Hinkel Pinkel and Uppsy Daisy on the green field.
-I was just lying a little bit with my eyes closed, I said.
-Yeah, sure, she said. -Your son has pooed. Can you please change his diaper while I make some breakfast?
A light brown glop was shining up on me. The boss was lying and singing "Ba Ba Black Sheep" with his own lyrics, "daa-daa-da-da". I put the clout under the water, cleaned him, dried him, put on a new, dry diaper. Felt the joy when making him clean and dry. He was lying there, watching me, while he was gabbing in his own language. I raised him on to my arm. Went upstairs. Into the living room I could smell fresh coffee.

Telly vision

2011-07-01T21:48:00.003+02:00

Some men was on the stage, singing about someone having a lot of money. Spending them all on new tits. Then there was an old man singing with a young girl on a beach down in a warm country where people spent their holidays. I wondered if this girl was his grandchild or what. Between there was some amateur footage of a hairy man lying in the water. And a young girl in bikini. Then a new video of a strange, rich man with cigar in a bar, with young girls around him.
All of this was music videos. Always with people dancing a strange turning around-dance. The kind of dancing and music that people loved in the Norwegian countryside and forest.
I was so tired when I was staring at this ancient, Scandinavian phenomena. I feared that all there was of culture, between the trees in the forest. Was this turning around-dance.
We were saving money. So then we had few channels to choose among. And early in the morning I could only choose one single channel. With this ancient, Norwegian turning around-music.
The boss was drinking happily his tempered milk from the bottle while sitting on the sofa, watching the music videos with interest. He was too young to be critical to it.
The watch was moving slowly downwards.
Then it was there. Finally. Oh, God, this was heaven. When I could change to the starting of the childrens channel, lay down on the sofa, feel the warm and small body of the boss resting towards me and listening to the well known music of In The Night Garden.

Morning shock

2011-06-18T22:16:00.001+02:00

I was floating with long jumps across the soft moss. I made small piruets. Floated up towards a pine three.
Then a sudden and unexpected scream came. Sharp as a knife. My upper body threw itselt ninety degrees up in the bed. I looked at the watch. Five o´clock. In the morning. My wife was lying with her back towards me, sleeping. Seems like it was my turn. Actually I couldn`t quite remember if it was my turn.
New, terrible screams came from the other room. This time more impatient and commanding. I threw my legs on to the floor. Found some clothes. But couldn`t find my socks. It got quiet inside the children room when the sound of my bare feets where stumping on the cold floor in the passage room. I opened the door to his room.
-Aaiiiiiiii!!!
A happy one year old boy stood in his bed with his teat. He lifted his arms up to me. I could feel his soft and warm pyjamas to my body. One of his arms was holding around my shoulder. His legs hang around my stomach and back. The good smell of his soft hair. He watched with expectation around himself when I carried him up the stairs to the living room.
I stumbled to the television. The only program it could offer this time in the morning, was some awful, Norwegian countryside music videos. It was the same music every morning. But the boss, with his wide open eyes, was happy, sitting in the sofa.

Evening thoughts

2011-06-12T13:44:00.001+02:00

-It`s lovely, she said.
She was out at the veranda. Watched out at the sky.
-Was it good, this English crime on the telly, I asked.
-Pff, she replied. -I know you don`t like that one. But, yes, I think it`s good.
I watched her. Her body was soft and nice shaped after the birth. Her eyes had some new, beautiful lines.
This universe of a woman. All her struggle. She had turned her sword against creeping snakes. To protect the deerest. The struggle had made her a bit weaker. But still she was so strong. I admired it. She was a guide, able to help people. She could help me, too, away from my deamons. If I accepted it.
The evening sun suddenly shined a moment, before it disappeared under the horizon.
I woke up a bit.
"My God, I´m getting deep" I thought.
-What are you thinking about, she asked.
-Nothing, I said.
-Yeah, sure, she said.
I breathed heavily. Watched at the darkening sky.
-It´s a bit difficult to explain, I said.

Evening

2011-06-04T20:37:00.001+02:00

A year had passed. And more than that. The first real summer day had come. I came back late from work. The boss, who had become even more bossy, was sleeping. My wife was lying on the coach, watching English crime on the telly. I went out to the veranda. The air was warm and tender. The sky was yellow on the horizon. Far away, there was an airport. Small airplanes went up and down. So far away I couldn`t hear them. Swallows made acrobatic movements high up in the sky. Knobs were flying in front of my face. Happy voices. From the neighbor, one of our few neighbors, who had a party on their own veranda. And the birds up in the threes were singing and singing.

The conversation

2011-05-28T19:57:00.002+02:00

-So, all this has happened, he said. -That`s quite a lot.
I studied my hands. One of my tumbs was scratching on the nail of the other forefinger.
-What do you want to do, now?
I watched up. On the table. It was a pot of water there. And a coffepot. Two glasses and two cups. I watched over to the wall, and a picture of a landscape.
-Well, I said. -Sometimes I think I need to make a choice. Between either one way or the other. Or maybe I might make the best out of both. I don`t know.
-No, he said.
We got silent. Both of us watched out in the air. It wasn`t much more to say. For so long.

Home

2011-05-21T18:56:00.000+02:00

He was quiet when we were driving. He was sitting in a new and safe babyseat. My wife was also sitting behind. She continuously checked if everything was okay. She almost didn`t want to leave the hospital. At first she wanted to change the diaper. Then give him some more milk. Then change the diaper again. Then give him some more milk again.
But then we were heading back home. On the side of the road there was empty grain fields. Tired houses. Lawns with easter leaves. And a pale, cold light.
We came up against our house. It was smiling friendly. I stopped the engine.
-Wait with the car door, she said. -I need to dress him first.
-But it`s only five meters to the front door, I said.
-He can`t get cold, she said. -Wait a moment.
She dressed him. Put a blanket around him. Then she breathed. Opened the car door quickly. Held him close to her body. She hurried to the front door and inside. I started to carry the baby equipment and other stuff inside. The house was shaking a bit in excitement. Everything was ready for the new member.

Reward

2011-05-14T12:51:00.001+02:00

-Could you get me some lemonade, she asked.
I went out to the kithen on the hospital and found it. Some yellow lemonade. And a cake.
-I think he has pooed. Could you change his diaper?
I went out to the tidy room with the tiny body. Removed some dark, green stuff. Dried him. New diaper. Back to the room where my wife drank the rest of the lemonade.
-How are you, I asked.
-I think I`m getting back some strength, she said.
I watched out of the window. It was some chilly, easter sunshine out there.
-Is it ok if I take a walk outside, I asked. -I need some fresh air.
-I guess that`s fine, she answered.
I breathed the sharp air down to my lunges. Went down a steep pavement. Some cars roared up and down the road beside me. Quite unnoticed of what just had happened to me.
I came inside a shopping centre. Maybe I could find it here. Probably not. But maybe.
I went by a jeweller. Yes, I should go inside. I watched over jewells and rings. This one was nice. And not so expensive. I pointed at it. A woman took it up and put it into a small package.
Happily I kept on. Into a shop with electronics.
-Do you got the new iphone, I asked.
-No, those disappeared the same day they came in, a man said. -But within a month I think we would receive some new. Do you want me to put you up on a list, he asked.
-No thank you I answered.
It wasn`t possible. The phone was very hard to get. Maybe the best was to get back to the hospital.
I passed a new shop with electronics. Went in.
-Do you got the new iphone, I asked.
-Yes, actually, we got one left, a man answered.
-Do you really, I stuttered.
He picked up a box from the desk. And there it was. A brand, new iphone.
I came in to the room in the hospital. The boss was sleeping. My wife was reading a magazine.
-Was it nice outside, she asked.
-Mm. I bought you a present, I said.
She beamed up. Unpacked the small box.
-A gift of love. It`s nice, she said and kissed me. She looked at the jewel and scraped a bit at it with her nail.
-I bought something for myself, too, I said. -I came over the new iphone.
-Oh, really, she said.
I carefully picked the box from the bag. I was so thrilled when I started to open it.

Repair

2011-05-07T11:27:00.000+02:00

She was lying pale in bed. The boss was sleeping in a small bed with plastic walls. The light from the window was easter-winther pale too. I was sitting by the end of the bed at a small table, eating a slice of bread.
The nurse came in.
-I`d like to see how things are, she said. -You got a quite nasty cut yesterday, and lost a lot of blood.
The night before, in a mess of a child crying, blood and a placenta, a doctor came in and sewed her. As far as I could remember.
The nurse investigated the mother. Then she turned towards me. I was still sitting at the table chewing the slice of bread. I looked to see if it looked ok, and as far as I could see, it was ok. I nodded to the nurse. But I wasnt quite sure what she said with her look towards me.

Out

2011-04-29T22:56:00.000+02:00

He slided out with a crumbled back and strong shoulders. He looked annoyed and wondered around. some scratchy, small sounds of a crow came out of him.
Good God!
It was him!
It was the boss. From that moment when he was out. He showed with all his being that he was a boss. Contempt and strong.
Would you like to cut the string, the nurse asked.
I nodded and made the cut.
He was layed up to her chest.
I watched his firm and powerful, small back. His mouth searched for milk.
And I was sold. Sold to the boss.

The outcome

2011-04-22T14:39:00.002+02:00

She breathed. Deep, deep. So deep that I never thought it was possible. She blew up two big hamster cheeks. Her teeth bit herself into her lips. The eyes tight and closed. Her hands got white when holding around the bed. Her whole body got tight. Her face got more and more red. it was blood red. No, blue red.
It was in that moment that a lightning stroke down on me. It lasted just a few seconds. But within those seconds it opened up a...a revealing. I could see. What was the genesis to everything.
A star had grown so big that it exploded. So strong that it made a black hole. Which sucked all life around. But then created something new. A new galaxy was slowly created, with billions of new stars. An eternal rotation between death and life.
Our earth is balancing on a sharp blade. Our star might just grow a little bit. And it will give us mortal heath and energy instead of the amount that is life supporting today. But because the earth is placed where it is placed, we get just a suitable amount of heath and energy. So far. Small and big meteors are passing by. If we get hit by a suitable big one, it will destroy the most on the planet. But because other planets are placed where they are placed, they protect us from the meteors. So far. The earth is like an egg. A thin shell on the outside. And a boiling magma which does everything to get out of the shell. Sometimes a small amount manages to get out. But mainly just a little bit. So far.
The life. It fights to have a place. And the genesis of the life. Is in this woman. The woman is the giving of life. And protector against all dangers. Against nuclear weapons and pollution. It`s just a finger on a button. And everything is deleted. The woman protects her child as best as she can. Against soldiers who rape and kill. She is working and struggling to make ends meet. While her husband is playing cards and drinking in a bar. She sacrifices everything. Gives an endless amount of love which life depends on to exist. And is rewarded with eternal pain. Numbers of menstruations, migraine, unease, violent men, pelvic pains, births with such a pain so deep that it gets into the deepest. And children who leave her at the end, without giving back any kind of thank you.
All this. Was what I saw in this blue red face. She had sacrificed so much. Struggled herself through a jungle. Pushed herself between narrow walls of negative powers. And still. She was capable of giving away an ocean of love and care. Which gave her such a tremendous force.
-I think something is happening now, the nurse said suddenly.

Harmageddon

2011-04-17T15:29:00.002+02:00

It came in waves. Shaking. Roaring. The whole hospital was shaking. Then it calmed down a bit. She breathed. Fast. Then it built itself up again. Her hand grabbed my t-shirt. She shaked me up and down like a plastic ball. She roared.
-You gotta open up, a nurse said. She wanted to bend her legs more apart.
-It wont go, I said. She`s got pelvic pain.
It was impossible. Two forces in a wild battle. About going in or out.
-How was I, she asked. Inbetween the breathing pauses.
-It was better now, I said and tried to smile. -You`re good. The last one was very good.
She grinned.
-Come on, a nurse said. -Now push all you got.
She pinched her eyes together. Put the pressure on.
-Hnng-g-g-g-g-g.....
A glass of water on the nighttable started to vibrate. The bed was shaking a bit. The walls started to squeak. The asphalt outside at the parking lot made small cracks. Just beside our car. The wind blew up. Sailed over the three tops. Made the forest mumble with unease. The waves out in the ocean started to raise. The sun pushed out several, small explosions. The galaxy was spinning faster. The universe...pulled itself together...this might turn into a new, big bang...it could happen now....
-g-g-g-g-g-g-gAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh.......
-I could see his head slightly, the nurse said. -But then he turned back inside again.
How could this get? It was impossible. Against such forces, even she had to give up.
-Now how was I, she asked and breathed.
-Yes, now it was very good, I said. -This time you were really good...
-You got to work harder, the nurse said. -Next time, you need to push with all you got. It`s no use with this small work. If not, we`ll keep on for many, many hours.
Then it built itself up again.
-Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm....
I moved myself downwards, to help keeping her knee up. I watched to see if I could see anything. But I couldn`t.
-Come on, the nurse said. -Now push.
-Come on, I thought. For Gods sake! Push!, Push....push...

On our way

2011-04-09T18:35:00.000+02:00

-Oooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh........
Her hand was hanging locked in the handle of the car. Her body was halfway lying, halfway sitting in the car seat.
The road was dark. The car was humming evenly. When she wasnt howling, it was only this humming we could hear.
Should I speed up, over the limit, to get faster to the hospital? Or could it be dangerous? What if we had a car crash? But what if the baby came out?
-Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhh......
I decided to keep the speed limit. I watched concentrated into the darkness. Black forest all around. Black forest and black darkness. No moose had to come in our way now. No open road robbers. No sneaking diseases. Nothing had to get in our way.
-Oooooooooooooohhhh....
Yes. I guess this had to be painful for her. No doubt about it. So painful that it was beyond the imagination of us men. Apparently. And now her howling came up more and more.
I turned up the the hospital. Damn! Where was I supposed to drive? I stopped the car. Fumbled with the cellular phone.
-What are you doing, she asked, inbetween her hyperventilation and moaning.
Where was that phone number? Then I found it, stuttered a question, searched for a door. Some white dressed nurses came out with a wheel bed. My wife got out of the car. Managed to crawl up in the bed. Then they were rolling into the corridor.

Time`s up

2011-04-01T22:26:00.001+02:00

I was up again. Looked out of the morning window. Not much new to see.
My God! To be absent from work for one week had one large consequence; It was an ocean of unfinished work lying ahead of me. A large stack of paper laid on my desk. I turned the paper on the top. Tried to figure it out.
Many had been sick, they told me at work. And many still was. People was washing their hands constantly. I had an urge to scratch my nose. But managed to avoid it. What if, I thought.
A collegue told that a driver was robbed on the road, not far away. Someone was standing by the road, asking for help. When a car stopped, the driver was mugged. The city of cancer was creeping closer and closer.
I turned some more paper. I tried to make a plan. Putting up a time list. To make sure when the first was going to get finished. And then the second. This would take a hell of a time.
Then the cellular phone called.
It was her.
-You`ll have to come, she said.
-What, now? I asked.
-Yes, now! It`s time.
-But...-No but, she interrupted me. -Just come! Now!

Better

2011-03-26T21:45:00.000+01:00

I had survived.
And at the moment life was quite good, actually. I got used to letting the job and the rest of the world sail away. The thought was intoxicated. To just having myself to care about.
I got better. But I had to stay in bed a bit more, to stay in quarantene. I was reading a book. Watching television. Listening to music. I did everything I wanted.
And my wife served me with dinner. And everything else.
-Is there anything you need, she asked.
-Maybe some juice, I answered.
Her stomach was enormous. It must have goten even bigger since last time I saw her. She put a glas of juice on the stairs.
-How are you, she asked.
-Better, I replied. -But I need to stay in bed for a little longer.

Sicker

2011-03-18T22:16:00.001+01:00

The breath. It went in and out. At first it went in. Then it pored slowly out again. And that`s how it went. The roof was over me. The bed under me. Handkerchiefs, used and unused layed on the pillow beside me. A pot of warm juice on the floor.
-Is there something you would like to have, I heard from the floor beneath.
I breathed in. Then out. Then in again.
-No, I breathed out.
I sailed into a place of nothing. It was nothing there. I was nothing. The breath. I had to concentrate on breathing. It teared me out again. The roof was over me. The bed under me. And the breath went in and out.

Sick

2011-03-18T21:36:00.000+01:00

Then it was morning again. I went up early. So early that I guessed no one else was up. I wanted to get early to work. So that I could prepare myself some more.
I watched out the dark window. A car passed by in a high speed (someone had been up earlier than me). The wheels was growling against the gravel road. It lasted just a moment. Then the car was gone. Why did this car pass our house? In such a speed?
I put the radio on. It told me the same news as yesterday. I made some coffee. Fixed some other stuff. Went outside.
It was still early when I went out of the bus, and into the office. No one else was there. The lights and the pipes was humming. I tried to prepare. But no matter how early I was, the time went too quick. My colleagues came. One by one. Said hello. And then it started.
During the afternoon I called home to ask if it was ok to work some extra. I wanted to prepare myself some more.
Then. While I was sitting there. I could feel it. My back was aching. And soon the rest of the body. I got dizzy. And warm.
Shit, shit, shit! This couldn`t happen. There was so much I needed to do.
-My God, my wife said. -Get up to the loft, and stay there!
She stayed into the corner while I stumbled up the stairs.
-I guess you`re fingers has been up your nose. No wonder why you have got infected. Just stay up there, far away from me. I`ll put some food to you on the stairs.
I put my body into the guest bed.
The yellow light was singing around in a circle over my head. It was spinning and spinning. Faster and faster. And the work. And everything I could`nt do. And outside maybe some criminals was lurking. And the child. Shit, the child! Maybe it got infected too. And the light was speding up now. It was roaring. Around and around.

Going back

2011-02-24T21:46:00.002+01:00

It was late when I took the bus home again. I watched the landscape passing by the bus window. It wasn`t much changed since the morning.
-It`s some dinner in the kitchen, my wife said when I came inside the door. I found the food. It was cold.
-How are you, I asked.
She was lying on the sofa with a huge balloon.
-I just wish I could get this overwith, she answered.
I put a cold sausage into my mouth.
It was new on the television. A bank was robbed earlier in the big town. It started to become a habit. The criminality increased dramatically, they said.
I sometimes wondered if it was smart or not to keep all the lights in the house shut at night. Maybe none could see us then. But at the same time someone might think that the house was empty. And try to rob it. Visible or not visible. If I should respond to my inner feelings, it would be not visible. So the lights would be shut tonight again.
The news came up with a new one. About the big disease. More and more got infected. Someone had died.
-My God, my wife said. -This might be dangerous for our child that is coming soon. You gotta make sure that you don`t get infected. After all, you`re out there among all these people.
I stuck my fork into a potato.

The Cafe

2011-02-24T19:06:00.000+01:00

It was humming around me. From people sitting around the tables, with coffee cups and sugar breads. And from busy people hasting beside the cafe, with shopping bags. The humming was cirkling around, up and up to the ceiling, high up in the big shopping centre.
An old man with a grey jacket and and a sixpence and an old woman with a fur was sitting at one of the tables. The old man was talking. A lot.
-It seems like I talk too much, he said.
-Oh, nooo, the woman said. -It`s not a log at all.
-But you can just tell me if you think I talk too much, he said.
-Oh, yes, but no, that`s no problem. I think it`s just cosy when you are chatting, the woman said.
-But you can just tell me if you think it get`s too much, he said.

Electronical stuff

2010-12-30T14:31:00.000+01:00

There was someting else about this shopping center. They had loads of shops that sold electronical stuff. And I loved every single one of them. I always wanted something new stuff. And something for the new stuff. Maybe a cable. Or something else. I had plenty of time. The bus didnt leave for a while. So I wandered around looking for something new to my electronical stuff. The shops was shining bright towards me. Young, handsome men in red v-sweathers was waiting to trick someone.
But there was even something more about this shopping centre. There was one kind of people that didnt undestand that they should dress themselves into fancy clothes and hairstyles. The old, retired farmers had nothing else to do, but to be at the shopping centre, even them. They were lined up, broad and firm along the shops, with grey jackets and sixpences.
I found a shop that might have what I was looking for. But one of these pensioners was in my way.
-But how do I get more of these camerapixels, he asked.
I understood how this would get, turned around at the door and went on. I found a new shop. To find a new pensioner with a grey jacket at the desk.
-But howee, howee...
I turned again. Looked for a new shop. And found it. This had to be the one where I could find what I was looking for...no....not only one, but three of these pensioners were at the shop. One of them was hanging with his elbows over the desk. His behind took the rest of the space. He was staring out in the air, thinking hard.
-Broooooadbaaaand???? he asked.
-Yes, I recommend broadband now. Its a long time since we stopped selling isdn-equipment, the young man in a red v-sweather replied.
My eyes started looking for a café.

The shopping center

2010-12-25T10:54:00.000+01:00

it was dark outside when I went from work. The automatic lock was humming behind me. I didnt quite understand this lock system. But I understood that the door was locked. And that I was unable to get inside again for tonight.
I looked up. Cold, small rain showered in a light way my face. I went along a street. The traffic was heavy. This place was not big. But it was always full of heavy traffic. I went to a shopping center. Went inside. To bright lights, music and voices. Adults that hasted back and forth. Children standing at some computer games. Youths hanging around. Everyone with fancy clothes, haircuts, young and old girls with sparkling makeup. All of it probably bought at the shopping center. It seemed like this shopping center was the heart of this place. Or maybe a kind of pacemaker that kept alive something new. New, fancy clothes. New stuff to buy. I kind of sensed that this place was different just a few years ago. Maybe just some farmers that walked around the fields. Then something sudden and unexpected must have happened. That made it modern with shopping center and heavy traffic. And people with the latest in makeup, haircuts and fancy clothes. It seemed like the people was struggling to adapt themselves to the new life. That they did everything to get away from the old farmer life. And the way was to buy as much as possible in the shortest amount of time in this shopping center.

Work at night

2010-12-12T11:12:00.000+01:00

I called her. Asked if it was ok for me to work a little longer. She accepted it, but didn`t like it. A cleaner came in. She dried some dust here and there. But avoided my messy desk. I felt that I knew the cleaner better than the other people at work.
The room was so quiet at this time. I could only hear the swish from the pipes. And a silent twang.
This was difficult. To have a new job. So much new. I worked so slow. And at the same time I had this overwhelming urge to have a full overview. Down to the smallest detail.
I tried to work. It was so much undone in front of me.

At work

2010-12-12T10:53:00.000+01:00

Someone knocked on the door. Someone was running. It was urgent. Preparation. To make sure that eveything was well prepared. Loads of paper on my desk. Out of the office. New rounds. Someone knocked on the door again. Maybe it was time to clear my desk. The paper was floating. It was important to get an overview. And cleaning my desk could be the way. Throw some of it in the garbage can. Put some others in a folder. Someone knocked on the door again. Out again and new rounds. Papers under my arm. Make sure a pen was in my pocket. And my keys. Make sure everything was well prepared.
Then it calmed down a bit. Summon for a meeting. Someone was talking. Others listening. Or did they? Faces that stared ahead at something that none could attach themselves to. Everyone wanted to go home. But I wanted myself back to the office. I wanted to work more, so that I was well prepared.

On my way to work

2010-11-27T21:57:00.000+01:00

This was a road that showed me the same every day. Soon I got tired of it. The dark landscape. The big bus with tired sounds. And few people sitting scattered with tired faces.
I took up the bread from my bag. I saved some minutes by eating breakfast on the bus. Dry bread with cheese. And a bottle of water. Some of the faces turned against me when I chewed the slice of bread.
The bus stopped a little here. And a little there. A slightly older man came in and lightened up when he saw a slightly older woman. He sat down beside here. I tried to catch what they were talking about.
-I was figuring that I might leave the table behind, in case you needed it, he said.
-Yes, that`s quite allright, she said.
-But if you want, I can come and get it, he said.
-Oh no, she said. -That`s not necessary. It might well come in hand for me.
-Yes, but you can just tell me if you want me to remove it. I can drive it to the garbage place, he said.
-Oh yes, but no thankyou, that is not necessary, she said.
-Yes, but just tell me, and I can come right away, he said.
It was getting close to where I was going off. I was careful to have my bread back in the bag and everything ready. I was a bit nervous to not get off at the right moment when the job, the place and the bus was new to me. I pulled the stop-button. The bus breathed heavily and annoyed and turned into the busstop. I went forward. The slightly older man and woman looked at me. I turned to the busdriver and wished him farewell.

Morning

2010-11-22T15:30:00.002+01:00

it was dark and quiet outside. Early in the morning. The radio was humming in the background. The rest of the house was sleeping. I cut some bread with a knife. The radio told about the weather. Danger of slippery roads. Where the traffic might get jammed. The man telling about the traffic was a kind of a thypical traffic-radio-man. Music. From the 80s. Then the news. About a family being robbed. Someone just walked into the house and tied the family up. Parents and children. Then collected all they could find of valuable stuff. And left. I could hear such news almost every day. About someone being robbed.
Somewhere ahead. Behind forest and hills. Was the big city of sickness. It was boiling. It was the place where everything wrong happened. People who was stealing, robbing and murdering. In a way I felt quite safe in this house in the forest. It was hidden and not easy to find.
At the same time. It could be dangerous. If someone just found us, it could be difficult to get help, being so desolated.
Earlier this summer, a man came at the door to sell something. He had a note, telling about lots of difficulties, and that he needed money. I told him quickly that I had no cash and locked the door.
What if this man just was an informant for the criminals in the big city?
I got dressed and went outside. Some dogs howled at the distant. I went down to the main road. The bus breathed and stopped. Then transported me to my new job.

Time

2010-10-31T16:12:00.000+01:00

Yes. She was bigger. Her stomach was round and energetic. All of her was energy. I took some pictures of her stomach in profile. Took some more to show how it was growing.
I looked out. It was autumn. I needed to make everything ready for the winter. And the child. The neighbor offered me to make firewood out of some of his threes that made the view somewhat less viewable. Well, the threes only prevented us from looking at other threes.
One thing was at least certain. This area had plenty of firewood. I started the chainsaw. The threes fell down. I removed the branches. Carried the rest to the house. Chopped and cleaved it.
It went colder. I got frustrated. I didnt have enoough time. It went colder. The baby was coming soon. And the work went too slow.
-Dont bother about the firewood, she said and stroked her hand over her stomach.
"Thats easy for her to say," I thought.
I looked outside. It was raining. Heavy raindrops. The firewood got wet.
"This is going straight to hell", I thought.

The seed

2010-08-24T15:03:00.000+02:00

I watched over my garden. It was so strange to see everything that could grow. I bought some small threes. To grow apples. Pairs. Cherries. I dug more holes. To put small rasberries into them. I looked forward to se them coming.
The grass was cut. I made sure it looked smooth and trimmed. Preventing small plants getting bigger. If I didn`t, the whole garden would be overgrown by forest in short time. I pulled out some green stuff at the driveway. The neighbor permitted me to saw off some threes below the house. It could make good firewood for the winther. And the neighbor wanted it away, to get a better view.
It was strange. All the fuzz. An eternal battle to govern what to grow where and how. And if I didn`t keep it up, the battle would be lost very soon. Everything was growing and growing closer and closer. I pulled out more green stuff at the driveway. But it was no help. It just grew up just as soon as it was pulled away.
It went towards the end of the summer. A thick, wet smell of rotten plants was hanging in the air. Still everything continued to grow. Small seeds floated and landed in the garden. To spread the genes of the mother threes. All the green came closer and closer to take over the garden, the house, to strangle me.
-Where have you been, my wife asked.
-In the forest, I replied.
-For the whole summer, she asked.
I didn`t answser, but pulled out more green stuff from the driveway.
-You don`t care about me, she said.
-Sure I do, I answered.
-Why can`t you give more attention to me and the baby that is growing inside of me?

Primeval forest

2010-08-15T21:53:00.000+02:00

No matter how far we had reached, I realized that it was possible to go even further inside.
The neighbor greeted us one of the first day we came to the new house. He welcomed us. And told us that one place, far, far inside was the primeval forest. The forest that was eternal untouched by human hands. A place where the capercaillie was singing. Where the threes died a natural death. Creating a multiplicity of life.
It was something that urged me to go there one day. But not this day. We were already dressed after the short swim in the cold water. And was heading for the way back to the house. the primeval forest had to wait until I was ready for it.

Deeper inside

2010-08-01T21:44:00.001+02:00

He, the long gone joined the trip. It wasn`t often I saw him. But this time he joined and trugded away. He didn`t say much. Neither did I.
We went upwards. Tried to find some view. But wherever we went, we only saw the forest. Forest, forest.
We went down to a valley. The trees became bigger. There was a collection of large stones. A sign told us that this place had a name. People must have lived here, some time long ago.
I began to see the nuances in the forest. The trees, colours, sounds and the smell changed all the way when we walked.
We came to a small lake. The ground rocked under our feets. We threw ourselves into the cold water.

Inside

2010-07-27T13:46:00.000+02:00

The branches closed behind me. The forest got quiet.
I went up a hill. Found a track that showed me further in. The track beneath me. The forest roof above me. The air was thick and warm. I came to a small opening where the thimber was cut down. The sun appeared and burned my face. It looked like a small desert. Dead branches lying on the ground. But it was not much of a view. Right ahead there was a new, airtight forest appeared.
A bird screamed. It seemed to be warning all the others about the intruder. It made everything even more intense. As if the whole forest held its breath.

The spring and the forest

2009-11-21T10:10:00.000+01:00

My knife sliced through the boxes. I read the instructions. I used the screwdriver. Over and over again. The instructions were so frustrating accurate. The numbers of screws were so frustrating precise. I worked and worked with the screwdriver. The winther went by. Spring came. Some birds were singing outside. A sunbeam played with my hair. All the screws were on place. The empty boxes were burned. I went outside. The birds started singing even more. Made me welcome with a hymn. The sun made me warm. The garden was grey and green. Ready to turn back to life. And there. Just upside the house, I discovered it. The forest. It made a quiet swish. some birds inside tempted me. I went some small steps. A little bit closer. Then I was inside it.

New stuff

2009-11-21T09:23:00.000+01:00

The house was empty. Well, it was full of boxes. But it was empty. All what a modern family needed to survive. It wasn`t there. No food. No electrical equipment. No chair to sit on. Not a bed to sleep in. The house was an empty shell, and we would not survive for long.
It was late afternoon. It was dark. And foggy. Cars came towards us with sharpen lights. I struggled to see where I was driving. The car and the trailer was empty, ready to be filled up again. We came to a large highway. Everything became bigger. And faster. The road directed us to the big city. We turned off halfway. Searched and found the biggest building I`ve ever seen. There were queues. So many cars everywhere. And people. And the feeling of not understanding what we did. We snirkeled forward in the queue. Almost nobody found a free parkingspace. And with our trailer it was even more difficult.
-Why don`t you just find a free space, she asked.
-Shut up, I replied.
-But why don`t you just stop here, she said.
So I stopped right there.
We came into this huge building. My God! So many people. Pregnant women and pregnant men. All kinds of cultures. And everyone with shoppingcharts and stressed eyes. Walking in queues. I could see it clearly. This building was the ultimate test for everyone who wanted to live together. I pushed the chart ahead of me.
-We need this, she said. -And this.
It was a kind of system. But I didn`t get it. There were some numbers. We needed to order some numbers. But where the hell were these numbers? I found a desk of information. It had a queue in front of it. It went so god damned slow. The faces all around were grumpy.
-I`m tired, she said.
-Yeah, yeah, I replied.
-And I´m hungry, she said.
I didn`t answer.
-I need something to eat. Now.
So we went out of the queue and into another. We walked around with the foodplate, struggled to find a table. People, people and people all around, eating. We found a small table. The food didn`t taste that good. Then it was back to that first queue. Then it was my turn. The young girl behind the desk stirred into her computer. Then she waved her quick look towards us. My hands were pale and wrapped around the handhold of the chart.
-I need some numbers, I said.
-You`ve done it all wrong, she said. -When you do it all wrong, then it`s your problem.
-but we have travelled far, and it`s late, and we are tired, and we need a bed, I said.
-Try that queue over there, she said and pointed.
Behind me was a young and unpatient couple with pregnant bellies. The girl behind the desk directed the couple forward with her eyes. I turned the heavy chart to the other queue.
-Why don`t you hurry, she said.
We came into a big hall. The merchandises were stabled on top of each other, into several kilometers high towers. I had written many numbers on a note. I searched around for the numbers. I leafed through curly papers. i lifted up heavy boxes. The chart slipped away. - Hold the chart, I said. -My legs are aching, she said. -But hold the chart, I said. But the chart was too small. -But where are all the bleedin numbers, I asked. -They are in that other hall, she answered. -But why do they need to have this stupid system, I said. -Take it easy, she said. -I`m taking it easy when I want to take it easy, I said. Then we came to thousands of new queues. As far as I could see. I searched for the shortest one. -But why don`t you just take this queue, she said. -Shut it, I said. We came to the payment. I lifted the boxes to the desk. Big things. Small things. So much. What would the prize be? Did we really need all this? -You will never understand what we need, she said. The girl behind the payment desk worked greedily. It said beep and it said beep. Again and again. I thought, "my God, this is gonna be expensive." I picked up my visa. But the reliefing sound didn`t come. The girl behind the desk looked into her computer. -You don`t have enough money, she said. -What, I replied. -But we`re supposed to have enough money. A lot of people stood behind us in the queue, staring at us. The girl had to make a phonecall. She said into the phone that she had some people without enough money. Then she said that we needed to take away some of the merchandises. And then we needed to move to another queue. I pushed the chart out to the parkinglot. I found the car and the trailer. -You can`t just leave the merchandises out here at the parkinglot, she said. -People around here are stealing easily from gullible people like you. I tossed the boxes into the trailer. -Be careful, she said.
We sat in the car. I waited to start the engine. Wanted to hear some silence. To hear if the car to protect us from the noise outside. Suddenly I punched the open hand at the steering wheel.
-Sick devil in hell! I will never, never do this again.
She looked at me.
-Relax, she said. -Now we got a bed.
Then she took up her hand and stroked it over my chin.

Inside the house

2009-09-12T13:15:00.000+02:00

A smiling man greeted us. He was about to sell the house to us. He held his arm towards the open door. Invited us to come in.
There, inside, loads of boxes was already stabled. They were transported ahead of us. He showed us around. Explained about this and that.
I watched around me. On light walls. The afternoon darkness which a single light bulb could not push away. I went outside to the cool air. To heavy, wet snow. Some lamps was lit out in the garden. They made some snowflakes glow when they descended down. Over there were some garden bushes. It was so silent. Only the echo of a dog barking far away, somewhere in the forest.
The house was almost alone in the forest. Somehow, it felt safe. It was hidden and peaceful. It wasnt that special, really. It was "nice". Modern. Built with modern shortcuts. I could see one and another I could wish to change. But when we first had to move. Then we might as well move to this house. I felt that we could become friends. The house and I.
The salesman gave us the keys. He shook our hands. Then he left.
I sat down on a box. She looked at me. Smiled. Went over to me. Layed my head on to her belly. It felt good. Finally to rest into her warm and soft belly.

The house in the forest

2009-09-03T15:22:00.000+02:00

Finally we managed to escape from the trucks, the salt and mud. On this road to hell.
Our story could have turned quite different if we continued on that road. But it wasn`t meant for us.
Now, the road got more narrow. We climbed upwards. It started to get dark again. We were tired. So we looked for a place to sleep. But this area was empty. We found signs that said "closed". It was a dark and thick forest. No people. No other cars. Maybe they all went to that other road.
-I need somewhere to sleep, she said. -You gotta find something. Quick!
I kept going. But the further we went, the forest got even thicker. The darkness got darker. We were in a nomansland.
But then. Somewhere ahead I saw a glimpse of a light. And then it opened up. A huge, wooden ox said "hello". We went around the streets. It was past midnight and no people around. Then we found the "Hotel Ox".
The car was strange and silent when I turned off the engine.
-You gotta carry the luggage, she said. I can`t do it.
A sleepy receptionist was just about to close. The room was dusty. But it was a room.
The next day we could see what the darkness had been hidden. Small, red and beautiful houses. Nice gardens.
We left the country and went into our own. It was close now. I turned into a narrow, gravel road. All around, it was what we had seen for quite a long time. Forest, forest. And there it was. The house in the forest.

Demonic trucks

2009-08-30T15:40:00.001+02:00

A man was running around in the restaurant with a cd. He found the personell, explained and gesticulated. Then the song "Happy birthday to you" was screaming out in the restaurant in a foreign language. Almost everyone in the restaurant started to sing along. The man went over towards a boy with a cake and some candlelights. The boy smiled. People cheered. The man with the cd and cake was even more energetic.
This hotel was full of tourists that came from a country far south. They travelled to see how the north looked like. They wandered in and out of the hotel in thick scooteroutfit and helmets. Snowscooters was parked outside to show them a glimpse of Northern wilderness.
They were many. And they talked very much. And loud. They were so different. From the personell with the silent, Arctic temperament.
We sat at the table, tired and hungry. It was strange. To come into this new country with the silent people. Who served the travelling, energetic people.
Then "Happy birthday" screamed again. In the same, foreign language. And within our dessert, the song came out loud even a third time. The man with the cd and cakes jumped around. People shouted happily. They were so many in the restaurant, that three of them could have birthday at the same evening. The personell watched them silently from the wall.

The next morning.
The air outside the hotel was freezing, just as the northern, interior climate should be. Light snow descended slowly. The car had been kept warm all night from an engineheater. I could see it was too heavy at the back. The luggage was filled up both inside the car and in the trailer behind. I moved around some of the most heavy luggage, managed to balance the weight.
The car started happily. The snow squeeked under the tires as we started to move. Then we were out on the road again. Found the even pace, mile after mile.
We didnt want to feel it. The pain. All the fuzz. Quitting our jobs. Finding new ones. We sold our house at the fjord. Bought a new one in the south. Carried and carried the luggage to transport it to a new destination. We moved. Not because we wanted. But because we had to.
Some friends of us organized a farewell dinner party the evening before. We tried to make the leave-taking as quick as possible. Nothing else to do. We left this place up north in the Arctic. To move south. Far south. But we didnt want to feel the pain.
A truck came out in the road in front of us. It was loaded with thimber. Large amounts of snow whirled up behind it. I slowed down. Couldnt see much. We went out of this foreign country. And into another. The road got broader. The traffic more tight. But the truck was still there in front of us. Hour after hour. It was like a demon that leaded the way, further and further down south.
It got darker. The weather got warmer. The road was covered with salt, to melt the snow away. Black snow and salt sticked to the front window. The wiper tried as best as it could to throw it away. More trucks appeared into the road. Everyone big. Everyone driving quite slow. And everyone whirling up great amounts of mud and dirt.
She was silent, sitting beside me. Sometimes she stroked her hand over her belly. My back was aching. My eyes were burning. I couldnt almost see the road. Still, there was nothing else to do, but to follow the trucks, further on south.

The travel

2009-08-23T15:01:00.001+02:00

Then we started driving. Without looking back. Without trying to feel anything. We turned left. Then onwards. Further and further away.
-I think I felt something, she said.
I looked in the mirror. The grey fjord was already gone. Snow swirled up from the trailer behind the car. The engine was singing. It was cloudy. The light told me it was late winter and afternoon. I looked ahead as I should do. Mountains with snow and some scattered mountain birches. A frozen river that swayed through the landscape.
Somewhere ahead I saw something. I slowed down. The road was blocked by two ambulances. A truck was lying in the ditch. I stopped. Some other cars stopped behind us. The situation seemed to be under control. Nothing else for us do but to wait. A woman from the car behind us came up beside our car. I rolled down the window.
-The road seems to be icy today, she said.
-Yes, indeed, I replied.
That`s how they did around here. People could talk to strangers as beeing the opposit of strangers.
-This might take some time. I think I want to turn and take the other road.
She nodded and turned back. I could see she was an experienced driver. But I wanted to wait and see what happened.
Two boys with no winter clothes went out of a bus and walked slowly up beside our car. Their hands were in the pockets and they were freezing. Someone must have told them not to go any further. So they went some small steps a little bit too much, smiling to each other. Making their own kind of protest against the authority.
Then something happened. The ambulances started moving.
It started to get darker. We crossed a bridge. Suddenly found ourselves outside the country. And inside another. More snow. And even more wood. She looked down at her belly. Smiled. Looked over at me.
-Could we please stop for the night? I`m tired.
I made a grin. It was seven o`clock. But in some situations a woman had to be obeyed. We came into a small town. Then a hotel. I turned over. The engine stopped. I opened the door and went out. Discovered I was quite dizzy. And the air around me was cold.